Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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