If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
