you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
