Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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