You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
