Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
