My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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