hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
