I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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