Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
