If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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