At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
