All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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