I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
