Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
