I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think I have vodka in my lungs
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
