I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
