i permit you to call me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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