Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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