Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
