I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
