apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
