I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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