You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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