My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she told me i tasted like america
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
