this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We had to coat check the pizza.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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