I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
