Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
