i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
