God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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