if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
