after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
