Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
