I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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