Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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