I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
