Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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