Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
did i walk over a car last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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