We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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