I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
