I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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