Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
