party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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