Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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