So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
