dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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