I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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