I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
