I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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