if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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